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We are not a romantic couple

Couples sometimes tell me that they’re not romantic. They don't feel romantic excitement, no butterflies in their stomachs, and they don't do romantic things together. Sometimes, they just don't have the energy to start doing them, to initiate, to make an effort, to invest. As a result, a status quo is created, maintaining things as they are. One of the questions I ask such couples is, "What does romance mean to you?" They start to think.

I want to share with you a very touching conversation I had with a couple about this. Naama and Shachar, parents of two small children. Naama, a 36-year-old attractive woman, sat with Shachar in their living room and shared the details of their relationship. She told me about how it all started, how proud she is of their personal and relationship achievements, how amazing their children are, how they deal with conflicts between them, and how, overall, she’s just happy that she found a good friend and life partner.

Naama felt it was important to note that there is no romance between them. She’s worried about it. Others have romance. I asked what she meant by that. What does romance mean to her? She thought for a moment and responded that she has an aversion to flowers, chocolate bonbons, heart-shaped candies, and things like that. I asked her if this is "romance" in her eyes. She thought again. She thought deeply. I could feel she was struggling with herself, as if trying to solve a puzzle that involved a logical contradiction. Finally, she said, "No, that’s not romantic at all to me. It actually annoys me." If Shachar were to bring her flowers or heart-shaped candies, it could upset and anger her (which wouldn’t happen if her son or daughter brought her flowers).

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From the conversation, it turned out that Naama had an unpleasant memory about her ex from several years ago. She loved her ex very much. He was her whole world. Her love was total. He constantly spoiled her with "romantic" things - heart-shaped candies, notes with beautiful words, scented candles, teddy bears with hearts, flowers ... and whatnot. The ex also said beautiful words that had nothing behind them. In retrospect, she learned that he did not appreciate her for who she was as a person, but was looking for a comfortable arrangement for himself.

 

Naama sees these treats as something cheap, empty, and meaningless. They don't excite her. She doesn't really seek them out. She doesn't want to bring them into her life at dawn. Okay, so what's missing?

 

Naama, what is romantic in your eyes and excites you? So far we've been talking about "what's not." Suddenly I see a smile and excitement on her face. She thinks about "what is." She's excited that she has a real friend, and that's Shahar. She's excited to think that if there are challenges and difficulties in the future, they'll know how to deal with them together. She's excited that Shahar makes her dinners and makes sure she finishes eating before she gets up from the table and dedicates herself to the children. She's excited to think about a weekend in a month because then they're expected to drop the children off at their parents and spend the weekend at a fancy hotel.

 

- "Does all of this seem romantic to you?" - "Yes, of course, the most romantic thing there is!". This is the essence of romance to me. Even if someone lights candles and sends a bonbonniere to each other, for it to be romantic and moving, it should be underpinned by values of sharing, caring, respect, and friendship.

 

It may seem to you that Naama didn't think things through before she complained to me about the lack of romance in her life. It may seem to you that she's not connected to herself and her feelings. But think for a moment about how many things we say and do after we've thought about them deeply and wrapped them in leading questions from all directions. Is it practical to stop and think deeply about every sentence and word? Who has time?

 

And one more thing. What is romance to you? Think...

 

Mika.

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