Some couples live "inside each other" for their whole lives and are happy about it. They don’t feel for a moment that they are negating themselves. On the contrary, they feel that this is how they are fulfilling themselves. On the other hand, there are those who do everything separately and are very happy in their own part. Some might say that these two extreme situations are not sustainable over time. I suggest that the couple themselves do a regular self-assessment, and if they feel this is the optimal situation for them, they will continue with it. Some experience, mutually, times to distance and times to come together. A period of closeness can result from a unifying event, whether positive or negative (wedding, birth, death of a parent, etc.).

There are also couples who are not synchronized at times: one wants more closeness while the other wants more distance and therefore demands more time for themselves. In this last case, if one partner wants more time for themselves, and you feel like you want to spend more time together, you might consider the advice "let him miss you." I will return to that later. We can all find ourselves in any of these situations at different times in life. And that’s okay. It’s normal. Talk to each other, and that way you’ll know where each person stands. It’s okay to say, "I need time for myself right now."

Let’s add the dimension of time to the equation.

Typically, couples go through several stages in their relationship. The stages may vary from couple to couple. At the beginning of the relationship, we may experience a sort of "honeymoon" period. During this time, we want to spend all our time together, share every experience, do everything together: wake up at the same time, walk the dog together, eat three meals a day together, watch the World Cup together, exercise, shower together, go to bed together. We understand each other, think the same thoughts. We emphasize the similarities between us, ignoring the differences. Our needs are met. We are happy.

After the "honeymoon" phase, there may come a stage of separation that brings power struggles between the partners. The couple no longer only sees each other's smiles. Suddenly, they start noticing things like bad breath. The partners begin to ask themselves questions that didn't concern them before: Who decides how the relationship will look? Who will dictate the rules? At this stage, the couple will highlight their differences. This is where separation becomes apparent.

And so on. There are other stages and challenges that couples face. The pattern repeats: coming closer, distancing, coming closer, distancing. It depends on life stages, relationship stages, life events, children’s age, children leaving home, second marriages, and so on.

Sometimes, there is no synchronization between the partners. If one partner is in the "together" phase while the other has already moved on to the next phase of separation, they won’t be on the same wavelength about the need for "togetherness" versus "alone time." How do you know if you’re there? I’ll give you a tip. Not everyone will be able to afford this, as it involves some sophisticated means. If you save a lot of money, maybe you’ll get there eventually. And the tip is...

Talk! Just talk to each other. Words have power. As I said earlier, saying "I need more time for myself right now" is an honest and respectful statement.

Let’s return to my friends' advice: "Let her miss you" in the context of unsynchronization on the "together-alone" axis. Could this be a game that helps? There’s a chance.

What happens in reality if you pressure your partner to get closer? She will move further away. She will feel suffocated. This will cause you to push harder for closeness. She will move even further away. A chase. If you try the opposite — relax, take time for yourself, invest in your own hobbies. But not out of revenge or ego play. Do it out of the understanding that you’re not synchronized on the together-alone axis, and you both need different things right now. The chase stops. You can breathe. She doesn’t feel hunted. She starts initiating more shared activities.

Please be cautious with this tool. It’s very easy to get tangled up if you don’t truly understand where you both are on the together-alone spectrum. If you both misread the relationship map at any given time, and both are "letting each other miss you" when the true need is actually closeness from both sides, it can turn into a destructive game. Be careful with deterministic and sweeping rules.

I find it exciting to think of a relationship as something multidimensional, changing, living, and breathing. Not as a closed system, a pressure cooker, governed by rigid rules.

Be flexible and talk to each other. Even if it’s embarrassing at first, it brings you closer in the end.

Mika.